Effect

Friday July 8, 2026

Desmond has recently begun exploring cause and effect, a perfectly normal step in his development. His methodology for exploring this fact of life, however, has been unfortunate.

It’s essentially, “How does Dada react to torture?”

Unfortunately, the effects have been counterproductive, and I fear we may be raising a psychopath. Mostly because I can’t stop laughing when he abuses me.

Pulling my ears (particularly the right one) was apparently a gateway torture. I thought it was funny how hyper-fixated he became on holding or pulling my ear like a stress ball. My ear, balloons, his white noise machine — he’s had these phases of using emotional support objects that are cute little extensions of his personality. Lindsay and I giggle and encourage him to use these objects, fortifying that these are appropriate items to help him process his emotions. But eventually, that progressed to emotional support teeth.

Desi loves to play Dentist with me. He reaches into my mouth and pulls on my front teeth, just to confirm they’re for sure stuck in there. Again, I’ve always found this funny, and haven’t pulled his hand away, so he’s learned that Dentist is a fun game to play with dad. He’s apparently progressing in his medical education because he’s recently begun reaching his entire fist into my mouth to scratch at my molars. I do pull his hand out when that happens, but it always makes me laugh, which makes him smile, which makes him want to do it again.

Recently, his cause-and-effect journey has crossed into a strange place.

Between mornings playing in bed and hanging out by our apartment complex’s pool, I have been shirtless around Des more than usual. He’s always been interested in the tattoo on my chest, but at some point, he discovered my nipples.

More importantly, he discovered that I shriek when he digs his fingernails into a nipple. This is the most delightful cause-and-effect discovery of his young life. If I thought the ear abuse was violent, this is next level, and it’s even more sadistic because you can practically see the scientific method working in his brain. He pinches and then turns to look me in the eyes with a completely blank face, ready to interpret the results of this stimulus. He attacks and looks up, assessing my reaction with unfeeling eyes. He pokes, prods, rips, tears, and each time observes with the calculating gaze of a scientist on the brink of a career-defining breakthrough.

Whether I laugh, scream, or cry, it makes no difference to him. He makes note of the reaction and proceeds with the next form of nipple abuse to gather a new data point.

While I’m proud of the diligent, analytical approach Des is taking to understanding cause and effect, I’m also reminding myself to forbid him from watching Dexter.

In the latter days of this week, he began applying his scientific method to biting Lindsay’s fingers. Bite, observe, note. Bite, observe, note. Maybe this will save my nipples, maybe it won’t. Who can really say? What are parents for if not to be guinea pigs for their children’s most sadistic impulses? We all have to learn right and wrong somehow; we just have to remember to stop laughing at the violence.

One Character: Snoseph Smith

The newest character in Desi’s life is Snoseph Smith, the leper founder of the Mormon Leopard Church. Lindsay picked him up at the Stone Zoo, where he established a polygamist sect of leper snow leopards after fleeing religious persecution in Nepal. In Stoneham, MA, he found a welcoming community of golden-aged hippies too afraid of their own intolerance to drive him and his followers away, while the cool winds and rocky topography have slowed the advance of leprosy through the colony. Today, Snoseph spends his time proselytizing polygamist Mormonism to Desi, who gamely listens to the sermons, fully secure in his Satanist values and disinterest in leopard mates. The price of Snoseph’s religious freedom is Desi smashing his face into the ground repeatedly every so often. He’s a fun new addition to the home.

One Book: “The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” by Junot Díaz

“Helter Skelter” is a crazy long book, and I’m only about 70% of the way through, so I’ve got to go to Goodreads for a recommendation.

A lot of writers make me hate myself (and Junot Díaz is one of them), but very few make me want to take a class with them. “Oscar Wao” is just a beautiful work of modern magical realism that’s the exact opposite of what modern high literature typically looks like. We need less overwrought, pretentious, self-obsessed slop like Ocean Vuong’s “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” or anything by Donna “I Live In A Cloud Of My Own Farts” Tartt, more of Junot Díaz and Percival Everett.

A fat Dominican kid from a cursed family who loves Tolkien is an honest, gritty little fantasy-infused topic that celebrates the best of Márquez and Borges through a distinctly American lens. It’s funny, gripping, and provocative in all the right ways.

One Hollywood: Practical Magic

For some reason, I loved this movie as a kid, even though 9-year-old boy probably didn’t even register as an audience demographic. Sandra Bullock was my favorite actress until I learned that there were other actresses besides Sandra Bullock. But, like, modern-day witches cursed to live without love isn’t exactly Spaceballs (my other favorite movie from this era).

Well… I also loved Shakespeare in Love. Maybe this makes sense.

Anyway, they’re making a second one that comes out this year, so the original keeps getting pushed at me by various streaming platforms. Somehow, the robots are guessing (correctly) that I watched this DVD like 25 times from 1998 to 2001.

One Song: Vampire Weekend - Step

Didn’t listen to much music this week, so ending on a classic. Vampire Weekend with Danny Brown, Heems, and Despot — absolute banger.

Bonus Song: Das Racist - You Oughta Know

Because I didn’t realize Heems was part of Das Racist until right now, you get an extra treat.

May you not be tortured by children today.