Guys

Friday, February 21 2025

There’s a classic social media joke that men can reach peak happiness by simply sitting around and naming athletes. It’s been a week. I fell behind, and I’m heading up to my dad’s in Vermont this morning, so let’s just name some guys this Friday.

Guy 1: Brad Marchand, Boston Bruins

A couple weeks ago, my brother asked if I wanted to get tickets to the 4 Nations Faceoff Final. For the uninitiated, this tournament has effectively taken the place of the NHL All-Star game this year and features players from the U.S., Canada, Sweden, and Finland playing a week-long tournament. I, like many others, assumed it would be a glorified All-Star Game, with guys mostly winging it and just playing to have fun and avoid injuries.

It has been anything but. The first U.S.-Canada game was absolutely electric, with three fights in the first nine seconds and Olympic-level competitive fire that ended in a 3-1 U.S. victory. International hockey is unbelievable when the players are invested, and it was clear from puck drop that they’re taking this tournament seriously. It was the first matchup between the U.S. and Canada in nine years, so I guess it makes sense.

I initially balked at the price of the tickets but waffled a bit and nearly bought a solo ticket. I should have because after that game, the price tripled to more than $1,300/ticket. The game last night wound up being the world’s most anticipated hockey game since the 1980 Miracle game. Dylan went. I fucked up.

Brad Marchand played for Team Canada and it’s pretty cool he got to play this game on what’s become his home ice. “The little ball of hate” has played his entire 14-year career in Boston, and I still remember falling in love with his pest game watching the 2011 Stanley Cup run in Bailey Millerd’s basement. Hockey fans hate this guy, but he has a sterling reputation off the ice and is incredibly involved in the Boston community. Dylan has run into him at the playground before and said he was a nice fella.

Guy 2: Alex Ovechkin, Washington Capitals

Alex Ovechkin is currently sitting at 879 goals in his career. The all-time record is Wayne Gretzky’s 894. It’s really difficult to contextualize how insanely impressive it is that Ovechkin is very likely going to beat this record, especially to someone who isn’t a hockey fan.

I could show you Gretzky’s mind-boggling career statistics. I could tell you that he had 93 more goals than the next closest guy (Gordie Howe) before Ovechkin came along. I could tell you that Ovechkin has nine seasons with more than 50 goals, while the fourth all-time goal scorer (Jaromir Jagr) had only three 50-goal seasons.

Actually, that last one does a pretty good job.

Gretzky is and always will be The Great One because in addition to being the (second) greatest goal scorer ever, there will never be another playmaker like him. His career assists number is a laughable 714 more than the next guy on the list. He put up more than double the number of the 15th all-time guy lol.

Nobody’s ever touching Gretzky’s greatness, but the fact that Ovechkin is about to take down one of the most untouchable records in North American team sports should be huge news. You barely hear a peep about it. Maybe it’s because Ovechkin’s Russian. Maybe it’s because he is supposedly a huge prick. Maybe it’s because Washington is just not a compelling sports town. Maybe it’s just that hockey isn’t that popular in the U.S.

Whatever the reasons, Alex Ovechkin is one of the greatest hockey players the world has ever seen and he’s been underappreciated for far too long. I mean, fuck him, but he’s about to accomplish something extraordinary.

Guy 3: Lebron James, Los Angeles Lakers

I think Lebron is the corniest dude on the planet, but he did this on Wednesday. Sweet Jesus, this man is 40 years old.

That balcony is where the table is.

Guy 4: Ray Bourque, Boston Bruins

Ray owns a restaurant in Boston’s North End called Tresca that has a single table on a balcony overlooking Hanover Street called Table 77. (Because his number was 77.) Lindsay and I ate there once and it was one of the coolest dining experiences we’ve had in Boston. So, call it One Place: Tresca.

Guy 5: Dick Trickle, NASCAR

Hehehehehehehehe.

Guy 6: Mikayla Blakes, Vanderbilt

Guy 6 is actually Girl 1. On Monday, Blakes broke the women’s college basketball scoring record, about two weeks after setting it herself. On January 30, she put up 53 points against Florida. On Monday, she scored 55 in a win over Auburn. The women’s game is exploding thanks to an insane burst of talent over the past few years. It’s cool to see women’s sports taking root in a way they’ve struggled to do, and women’s NCAA basketball and the WNBA are really the primary drivers.

It’s gotten to the point where I can actually name a fair number of women basketball players: Aaliyah Boston, Breanna Stewart, Angel Reese, Juju Watkins, Sabrina Ionescu, Sue Bird, Caitlin Clark, Diana Taurasi, Paige Bueckers, Candace Parker, A’ja Wilson, Jonquel Jones, Elena Della Donne… some day soon, girls are gonna be happy hanging around and naming Girls.