Shoplifting
Friday December 5, 2025
I am a criminal.
On Sunday, November 30, I stole a bag of diapers. Although I admit they were a top-ranked set of diapers, I profess that this crime was committed in ignorance, and therefore proclaim my innocence. And by ignorance, I mean sheer fucking stupidity.
It just so happens the baby aisle is the closest to the entrance at our Whole Foods, so a bag of Coterie diapers was one of the first things in my carriage on Sunday. I tucked it on the bottom, thinking I was such a savvy shopper, and continued grabbing all of my groceries.
I’ve never bought diapers at a store, so when I went through the checkout line, I just plain forgot they were down there. I emptied the basket, paid, loaded up, and walked right out the entrance, not noticing the diapers until I got to the car. When I did, I thought, “Surely I couldn’t just walk out with these. I’m sure she rang them up and put them back. I’ll check the receipt when I get home.”
I’m a self-deceiving fool for, indeed, I could just walk out with diapers.
Interestingly, I think this is the first time I’ve ever shoplifted. I’ve engaged in criminal activity many times over and even been convicted of a crime or two, but petty theft has never been my bag. I never had that phase. Even for a stick of gum. I always felt like even little bits of thievery were not victimless, and my kind of crime is really the self-victimizing type. But, when I think about it, it’s hard to feel bad about stealing from Jeff Bezos. Maybe I’ll get used to this life of crime.
One Book: Desmond: September’s Child by Wonderly
To whoever sent us this beautiful book, thank you! There was no card, so we don’t know who to thank! (But now we shall shame you for not including a card, you silly little sea lion.)
One Hollywood: Almost Heroes, Prime Video
This was one of my favorite movies growing up, and probably the one movie that my brother, Dylan, and I quote to each other most today. (Also, Daniel Hobbs.) Christopher Guest’s spoof on the Lewis and Clark story stars Matthew Perry and Chris Farley, and it is… well, probably just fine in a vacuum, but it’s magnificent to me.
I saw it was on Prime Video yesterday, and Lindsay was feeling conciliatory after I spent most of the day solo with Des while our heat pumps were being switched out. (Story for another day.) I think she didn’t hate it. It’s still hysterical to me, but in a “I know every line of this movie way.” Nostalgia breeds many curious emotions, but my favorite will always be the way it makes things that are only kinda funny, incredibly funny for the rest of your life.
One Song: Lucy Dacus - “Hot and Heavy”
This is the third Lucy Dacus song to appear in this newsletter, which I’m pretty sure is a record. She gets the nod this week because, somewhat to my surprise, her song “Brando” was my number one listen of the year according to Spotify Wrapped. I didn’t want to do that one again, but here’s a new one from her to commemorate her achievement.
Spotify is kind of an evil company, but it’s so much harder to divest from them than, like, Starbucks, because there’s just so much musical data in Lindsay and my shared account. It would be brutal to rebuild playlists and listening history on Tidal or Apple Music. And, also, like, they’re kind of evil, too. It’s impossible to be an ethical consumer today.
One Activity: Knuckle Sucking
Desmond discovered his hands were within his control this week. Naturally, he used this knowledge to dance to Beyoncé and Blink-182. More practically, he has begun sucking the absolute bejesus out of knuckles. Not just his own, but mine, Lindsay’s, Goose’s, the mailman’s… if you got knuckles, he’ll suck ‘em. Watch out.
Two things: 1. Ask Lindsay about shoplifting Elmo at 18 months. 2. I bought the book. I thought my name was in the dedication.