Super Bowls

Monday February 11, 2025

I’m writing this on Saturday, watching the Bruins and drinking a specialty beer procured from the Sam Adams Brewery in Jamaica Plan called Tamarack Track, thinking about how tomorrow will be the first time in my sentient life that I voluntarily skip the Super Bowl.

I don’t think I’m alone in this decision. Twitter is a notoriously horrible sentiment analysis that is almost always a poor reflection of reality, but I will use it now to confirm my bias that this is the least interesting Super Bowl since the very first one, when it was a complete novelty. Nobody is excited for this game. I might look like a complete moron right now if last night’s game turned out to be a great one.

Writing this sometimes puts me in odd chronological boxes because, at this slice of time, I’m planning to watch a movie with Lindsay, check out the halftime show, then get back to the movie. It’s entirely possible that I caved and ended up watching the game because I’m a weak-willed middle-aged man with nothing else to do. I’m not going to edit this regardless.

Philadelphia vs. Kansas City was a boring matchup of unlikable teams and fanbases the first time it happened. The second time? It’s what I just said: Borderline unwatchable.

The Eagles are an okay enough team to watch, but Philadelphians are the cretins who have booed Santa Claus, threw batteries at J.D. Drew, punched a horse, ate literal horse shit (no chance I’m linking that), targeted children, and earned countless assault charges from opposing fans and each other. I actually really like Philadelphia and have met some good Philadelphians in my day. But they’re stuck in the feral, knuckle-dragging state that Boston fandom was in before 20 years of dominance softened everybody’s edges. They’re a distant 3rd in Northeast city relevance behind New York and Boston, and centuries of inbreeding and mediocrity have made their fans the manifesto-writing incels of American sports. Philly’s mayor literally begged these people to act civilized if they won. Nobody needs to learn how to win more, and nobody deserves to win less.

The Chiefs… I mean, the NFL has spent the last two weeks insisting the league isn’t rigged because this team has benefitted so enormously from controversial officiating decisions in every close game they’ve played in this season. Add that to the fact that they employ multiple felons, fought tooth and nail to get a child abuser and child murderer off the hook, and are in several hours of ads every game day, and they are supremely easy to hate. The Chiefs are such an objectively disgusting organization that Mahomes’ notoriously horrible family, the Taylor Swift overexposure, and Chiefs fans’ complete lack of ability to acknowledge when they benefit from a call barely register on the list of obnoxious things.

I mean, yes, I’m not stupid, I know what team I root for. But you cannot tell me the Patriots were one-tenth as insufferable or forced down our throats as the Chiefs are. Kraft and Belichick are perverts, sure, but Aaron Hernandez got cut and sent to jail PROMPTLY. Hell, the NFL hated the Patriots’ success so much that they manufactured two cheating scandals to dock them draft picks.

All this is to say that football’s dumb, basketball is better, and the best reason to watch the Super Bowl is the commercials. So here are some of the best Super Bowl ads ever.