Wingspan
Monday December 23, 2024
Last week, Lindsay and I joined some friends at Snowport in Boston’s Seaport. Visiting this winter carnival of boutique pop-ups, over-priced beverages, and stinky cheeses has become an annual tradition.
We always take a picture by the giant, ornately decorated Christmas tree, but because we all have 30-something social anxiety, we never ask a stranger to take the picture. Instead, we force my friend Curtis to take a selfie of everybody. Inevitably, we all fit in the picture, but the grandiose tree might as well have been a well-cared-for bush.
Nonetheless, this is the best option, for Curtis has the longest wingspan. That is, he has the longest distance between fingertips when his arms are raised parallel to the ground at shoulder height. This is not to be confused with reach, which is the height to which Curtis can touch by raising his arms straight up in the air, or length, which has several connotations for Curtis.
When I said earnestly that Curtis has the largest wingspan, people laughed. This wasn’t observational comedy, it was just observation, but apparently considering people’s wingspans is one way my ‘tism manifests.
Curtis’s wife, Kirkley (who might be this newsletter’s biggest/only fan), said I couldn’t do a newsletter about wingspan. Well, Kirkley, welcome back to Hell.
One Song: “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed
When Scott Stapp stands “with arms wide open under the sunlight,” he is exemplifying what one must do in order to accurately measure one’s wingspan.
One Lyric: “I can feel it in my wingspan” - Nilüfer Yanya
Who can forget Nilüfer Yanya’s seminal love song, “Wingspan”? I, too, feel deeply in my wingspan.
One Game: Wingspan
In addition to an obsessive-compulsive response to Kirkley making a good-natured joke, this whole theme is basically an excuse to shill for Wingspan. This is not an easy game to learn but once you do, it’s the most fun you’ll ever have building an army of birds, collecting food, and laying eggs.
One Image:
24 years ago, Metallica sued Napster for distributing copyrighted material without their consent. As recently as 7 years ago, the FBI was still sending out cease and desist letters to teenagers for downloading music as part of its anti-piracy mission.
In January of this year, OpenAI argued that it’s “impossible” to train ChatGPT without copyrighted material. Last week, the UK proposed allowing tech firms to use copyrighted material, with the provision of an “opt-out” clause for creators. Essentially, the rule would permit tech companies to use any copyrighted material unless creators opt-out. (How do they opt out? I don’t know; I doubt it will be straightforward.)
I don’t want to take too many positions in this newsletter, but this is such bald-faced hypocrisy that it drives me insane. AI models continue to deteriorate, use cases are increasingly forced, and the industry continues to get bailed out over and over, enveloping more of us within its gargantuan cybernetic wingspan.
One Hollywood: Bad Monkey, Apple TV+
Well, that got heavy for a second. Let’s get back to talking about long men. Vince Vaughn is 6’5”, which means that his wingspan is likely about 6’7”, since the average man has a wingspan that’s two inches longer his height. (Half an inch longer on average for a woman.) Bad Monkey is also based on a book written by a guy who has written another book about owls (who have wings). Lot of wingspans going on here.
One Food: Albatross
Unless you’re marooned on a desert island or adrift on a raft, you probably shouldn’t eat albatross. (Although they’re rumored to still be occasionally eaten on the island of Tristan da Cunha in the South Atlantic despite their endangered status.) But if you did eat a wandering albatross, you would be eating the animal with the longest wingspan in the world, at up to 12 feet.
One Place: The Maastrichtian Javelina Formation at Big Bend National Park
The first Quetzalcoatlus fossils were found here in 1971. This pterosaur has the honor of having the largest wingspan of any extinct reptile, at up to 36 feet across. If you’re ever looking to acquire a Quetzalcoatlus fossil, the Maastrichtian Javelina Formation at Big Bend National Park is the place to go.
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This was a wild ride. Thank you!