Yards
Friday March 21, 2025
It’s that time of year again when we pay $1,000 to have someone pick up all the shit in our yard!
I don’t mean literal shit. Lindsay and I picked up 91 deposits of Goose shit after the snow melted, an experience so nausea-inducing I’ll never look at my dog the same again. (Just kidding. Poop is parenthood; parenthood is poop.) But we will pick up the remaining stragglers before a crew comes through to pick up the pinecones and pine limbs that litter the ground in the back, trim all the bushes, and rake the leaves out of the French drain and flower beds in the front.
When we first moved in, I was critical of every home in the neighborhood employing landscapers. “A man should tend his own yard,” I said, hands on hips and pants dropping to expose my bare ass.
For a while, I did. I weeded and mulched the beds, I laid new sod, I treated old grass, I pruned some bushes, mowed the lawns, and planted a variety of flowers to see what might thrive.
But then I started to find projects I couldn’t do without the right tools.
The hedge we share with our neighbors Bob and Linda needs trimming and Bob, who swears he’s not bitchin’, would like me to take care of our half of the hedge. But I don’t have a hedge trimmer, and I’ll be fucked if I’m gonna do all that with pruning shears.
The lawnmower is completely ineffective at the edges of the lawn, particularly by the curb, but I don’t have an edger, and I don’t really want to pay $150 for one.
The French drain and garden bed are full of leaves, but when I rake, it spreads mulch into my precious grass. But I don’t have a leaf blower and I don’t really want to pay $200 for one.
In the summer, these problems were a little annoying, but they weren’t a huge deal. But then fall came, and I read that there’s an ecological movement to leave leaves be, so I didn’t rake, and the leaves built up and filled every nook and cranny around the house. And then the snow came and preserved the leaves and rained an icy hell on our flowers and bushes. And then the winds came and battered the pine trees, scattering detritus across the yard. All the while, I stayed inside, warm and lazy.
The weather has finally started to turn for the better, and the yard plainly looks like shit. I don’t remember our yard needing this much upkeep when I was growing up. We never did spring cleanings or anything like that; we just mowed the lawns and weeded the patio, and all the flora seemed to cooperate. I don’t know if my parents cut a deal with them, threatened them, or what, but I need to cut a similar deal with these messy ass pine trees in the backyard. They’re living rent-free on our land, and all they do is drop branches and cover our dog in sap!
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit self-conscious about the appearance of the yard, and a little more self-conscious about hiring somebody to fix it up. I’m not the most realm of domesticity person, but this is something I feel sort of oddly strongly about… a person should be able to take care of their own land. I don’t really view landscaping as a gendered profession — hell, Janine down the street all but spat in my face when I told her I called a landscaper — so I don’t know if I can consider this feeling “emasculation,” but it’s definitely flirting with incompetence.
We got the yard for Goose to poop in, but here I am being high-strung about its appearance. What a paradox.
One Song: “Milkshake” by Kelis
Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. My milkshake keeps them far away so they don’t mess up my damn grass.
One Quote: “The best competition I have is against myself to become better.” - John Wooden
March Madness started yesterday, so it feels like a good time to drop a Woodenism. I’m going to have to compete against myself all summer to maintain this damn yard better than last year.
One Hollywood: The Big Green
Bet you thought this was about landscaping! Nope, it’s about the worst kids’ soccer team ever that suddenly becomes good, thanks to the power of friendship. Or something. I haven’t seen it in a while. They paint a goat green, so that’s cool.
One Person: John Novak
Our landscaper. Good guy. Reasonable prices. If you’re on the North Shore, give him a shout.
One Food: Barbecue Chicken
It’s almost smoking season, which is really one of the best reasons to clean up the yard. Don’t want to be kicking pinecones when I’m carrying a juicy chicken inside. I’ll probably get a little more creative this spring and summer, but I got damn good at smoking chickens last year.
Forget the leaf blower, but you do need the right tools if you’re going to do your own maintenance. Let’s talk!